Nerd Nuggets

I was going to write about the Inner Mean Girl thing – for the record – it’s going ok. I’m working on speaking kinder to myself and while I miss the gossip sites, I think it’s more out of routine and self soothing than anything else. I’m also working on editing what comes out of my mouth – I spend most days with K and so if I think something I wouldn’t say to someone’s face, it doesn’t come out of mine. I’m trying to speak with kindness since I do feel more empathy since Foster died, but I’m also way less tolerant of some stuff too. If I don’t say something, who will?

Anyway – The ACHE. Last week I was struck by The ACHE in the hardest way. Thursday night my father and I were on the phone and we started talking about Foster and his birth and I asked my dad if talking about Foster made him uncomfortable. He said it did. I asked why (because I want to know WHY for everything it seems).
And my dad says, choking on his works “Because he was my first grandchild.”

I wept. It was the first time my dad had said this to me, ever. I started crying on the phone because there was no other option. All I could squeeze out was a thank you. Thank you so so much for saying that.

And my dad said “He was my grandson.” (even writing this makes me choke up)

I was able to pull it together and we talked about other things but those comments meant everything.

Once I was off the phone I wept like I was newly gutted. The ACHE settled in, and it was like every cell in me wanted him. Wanted him laying on me, sleeping safely, warm baby scent… and instead he was everywhere and nowhere and on the piano in a lovingly turned urn. I wept from the deepest parts of me – I just felt gutted. The wanting was so deep I can hardly explain it. I just wanted my son. My Foster.

What more is there to say? K held me and loved me and let me weep. The cats pulled their extra cute schitck. The dog tried to distract me with a game of fetch. I felt like my cells were screaming for something missing. Friday I had an exceptional emotional hangover. It sucked, it passed, and the weekend has been lovely.

And that’s how it will and does go. There is The ACHE and then things are lovely. My husband makes me a coffee, the sun comes out, my friends and I love each other, the cats tussle and later sleep, the world just keeps on going. And I’ll just keep on going with it.